One. Thou shalt have a whole passel of gods before me—or better yet, no god at all. Do you want people to think you’re as smart as Richard Dawkins? Join him in saying I don’t exist. See how hard you can hate someone whom you say does not exist.

Two. Thou shalt bow down before graven images. In other words, worship your stuff. Stuff is all there is. Never mind eternal life: we have cell phones, video games, and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Above all, bow down before that ultimate creation by really smart people who are a lot smarter than you—the state. Big Brother rules!

Three. Thou shalt take God’s name in vain. Use it for punctuation, for emphasis, or just plain cussing. This will make people think you’re smart. If thou art a national leader, always invoke God’s name in support of abominable public policies favoring abortion and sodomy. Thou art always permitted to pretend to be a Christian.

Four. Forget the Sabbath day, and keep no day holy. There being no God, nothing, then, is holy—except, of course, the AIDS Quilt, PBS, and Michelle Obama’s wardrobe. And don’t forget to display your worldliness by publishing the most anti-Christian garbage you can find to coincide with Easter.

Five. Honor thy father and thy mother—NOT! Why should you? They don’t honor each other. Half the time they don’t bother to get married. Many of you wouldn’t recognize your father if you tripped over him. Anyhow, the government is thy mother and thy father.

Six. Thou shalt kill unborn babies. After all, that’s how young women fulfill their dreams: the prophet Obama hath said so. Thou art permitted to kill thyself: Humanist Manifesto II sayeth so, and those are all smart cookies. Thou shalt also kill the old and the infirm—for their own good, of course. Obama care hath said so.

Seven. Thou shalt commit adultery every single chance you get. Thou shalt not smoke, or eat red meat, or snack, or drive an SUV, or use an incandescent light bulb, or have more stuff than thy neighbor, or by any means make a profit—so you might as well fornicate like there was no tomorrow. Smart people will think you’re smart, too, if you indulge in every sexual practice known to man. And if you die early from a loathsome sexual disease, thou art helping to save the planet!

Eight. Thou shalt steal. As the government doeth, do thou likewise. A thief who gets caught and thrown in jail is a fool; but a thief who gets elected is a statesman.

Nine. Thou shalt bear false witness. Our academics tell us there’s no such thing as objective truth, and they’re the smartest ones of all. There are only statements that help progressivism or that hinder it. To make a statement that destroys an enemy of the people is great smart-ness.

Ten. Thou shalt covet anything and everything that is thy neighbor’s. Whatever it may be, it’s not fair that he has it and you don’t. Why else does government exist, but to give you things that are thy neighbor’s? That is Social Justice.