Shocking! In a stunning display of both mobility and confusion, former President Joe Biden reportedly tunneled out of the Whispering Oaks Managed Care Facility using nothing but a Jell-O spoon and wondered off to even greater accomplishments.
He then made an unscheduled appearance at the National Conference for Advocates, Counselors and Representatives for the Disabled, or as Biden allegedly called it, “the brave folks doing loud whispering.”
Eyewitnesses report Biden entered the building wearing hospital slippers, aviator sunglasses, and a cape made from an old Delaware state flag. After knocking over a podium and yelling “WHERE’S THE SOUP LINE?”, he launched into a passionate, if perplexing, speech.
“I remember, back in fourth grade, or was it the fourth dimension, I saw the colored kids on a bus,” Biden declared, eyes wide. “It was like seeing jazz music come to life, folks. That’s when I knew racism was about race. Also that I liked buses.”
Confused applause followed, possibly from attendees unsure if this was performance art, a protest, or just another episode of “Where’s Joe?”
Things took an even stranger turn when Biden pivoted to denounce “the DOGE team,” a mysterious cabal he insists is made up of Elon Musk, a rogue AI named Clippy, and “that punk from the Sonic commercials.”
“They wanna move fast and break things,” he shouted while pointing at a ceiling tile. “Well guess what, Jack? I break things too! Like Medicare paperwork and the space-time continuum!”
Aides tried to intervene, but Biden had already declared war on social media algorithms, structural inequality, and possibly squirrels (“They’re stealing Wi-Fi,” he warned.)
“It's about dignity!” Biden screamed at one point, startling a service dog into hiding under a table. “Simple dignity! Even if you're Elon, or you're a bus, or you're just one of the colored kids riding through Scranton on a Tuesday with a peanut butter sandwich and a dream!”
No one knew what that meant, but a few people cried anyway.
Following the speech, Biden reportedly returned to his escape tunnel but got distracted by a vending machine and has not been seen since. Secret Service is asking citizens to report any sightings of a man angrily whispering policy positions to lampposts and demanding someone “bring Corn Pop to justice.”
Meanwhile, in Other News… Elon Musk responded to the speech with a single tweet:
“😂🔥 $DOGE to the moon 🐕🚀 #FreeJoe”
Biden’s team has declined to comment, but a representative did say, “It was Tuesday. He usually does this on Thursdays.”
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