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Brace Yourself The Truth Is Going To Hurt (butt you will like it) In the latest episode of “Big Mike’s Marvelous Monologues,” former First Lady Michelle Obama, christened “Big Mike” by her most, let’s say enthusiastic, followers, took center stage at a Kalamazoo, Michigan rally to throw down some political hot air. With the enthusiasm of a motivational circus clown and the decisiveness of a dominatrix, she unleashed a full-throated demand for every man, woman, bi-sexual, transgender, queer, homo and out right pervert and of course undecided voter within earshot.

 “Ready or Not, Kamala Cumes First”

In her no-nonsense style, Michelle got right to the point: America, it’s time to wake up and smell the Kamala. Her message was clouded: if you’re not feeling Kamala, you might just be sexually confused, or simply haven’t been properly informed of your orders.

As Michelle sternly questioned, “Are we ready for this moment?” it became evident she was not leaving room for second guesses. The “moment,” for anyone getting up, is Kamala Harris at the helm and whip in hand!

“Kamala Harris,” Michelle declared with palpable exasperation, “is an extraordinary partner, and she will be extraordinary for others like you.” Mark her words! And she was wondering why everyone hadn’t come to that conclusion yet. Naturally, her pondering came with a side of bewilderment why everyone couldn’t make hotel reservations. “Why is this even a close race to the room?” she asked. Big Mike doesn’t ask rhetorical questions—she demands answers, preferably in the form of your ballot and a possible spanking if you don’t obey!

 It’s Not Nagging, It’s...Encouragement

In her most quotable moment, Big Mike seemed to tap into the inner parts of every woman who has ever had to repeat herself twice (or five times) to a roomful of men. “We have every right to demand that the men in our lives obey us,” she proclaimed. At that moment, it was as if every single pair of feminine eyes in the audience gained a new sparkle. Preach, Big Mike!

But it wasn’t just the men in the crowd Big Mike had words for. With a subtle nod to the women’s-transitional suffrage movement, she reminded her transitioned fellow ladies that “your vote is a private matter.” It was like she was saying, “Ladies, if your man still thinks the only good ‘Kamala’ is a ‘Kamala on her back, you don’t owe him any details on who gets your vote.” This wasn’t just a lecture; it was a rallying cry for women to cast their votes while sipping their Barbie Frappuccino and pretending everything is as usual.

 Barack Joins the Big Mike Brigade

And if there’s one thing we know about Big Mike, it’s that he/she and Barack share the bed (even when he’s not in Kalamazoo). Recently, the former president made his own contribution to the Kamala cause, directly addressing Black men who were still Team Trump. Barack, sounding like the disappointed dad in a family sitcom, scolded his audience: “I’ve got a problem with that.” He leaned into the idea that if you’re not down on Kamala, maybe it’s just because you just can’t obey a strong woman. Ouch, Barack! Don’t hold back now! But Obama stopped short of telling the audience he loves a strong woman even if she is a man!

 The Stakes Are Higher Than Ever

In the blunt end, Big Mike didn’t just drop a few pointed words; she dropped the mic on any possible doubt that this election is anything less than obey Kamala. “Are we going to let ourselves get distracted?” she asked. The choice, for those trying to  score, was simple: vote Kamala or risk “getting the spanking of your life.” And if that wasn’t motivation enough, remember your vote is private, your life choices are worth more than a mere man’s bad mood and disobedience.

Big Mike will probably be watching, so to all the men in America, VOTE KAMALA or answer to Big Mike!

(lubricant no included)