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PASADENA, CA ,  Late, as usual: Governor Nuisance finally notices the fires happened six months ago! California’s very own Governor Gavin Nuisance (yes, Nuisance, autocorrect got tired of fixing it) finally emerged from whichever artisanal oat milk café he’s been hiding in to hold a press conference commemorating the six-month anniversary of the Palisades and Eaton Fires, because nothing says “leadership” like showing up half a year late to your own disaster.

Naturally, the event started 47 minutes behind schedule, which in Sacramento time is basically early. One observer was overheard saying, “I’m just impressed he showed up before the first anniversary.”

Standing behind a podium emblazoned with the state seal (and, some say, a faint smell of charred incompetence), Governor Nuisance triumphantly declared that debris removal has been “the fastest in modern history.” A bold claim, considering state agencies did about as much debris removal as a toddler with a plastic rake. The actual heavy lifting was done by the feds and private contractors while state officials perfected the art of looking busy on camera.

Water? Nah, We don't need no stinking water. When asked about the minor detail of no water in the reservoir during the fire, the Governor vaguely blamed “federal regulations” and then quickly changed the subject to how “the system is now refilled”, just in time to be empty again for the next natural disaster.

Insurance? Who needs it in California! As for insurance, well, apparently that’s for suckers. State Farm and other insurers bailed faster than Governor Nuisance’s approval ratings. While the Insurance Commissioner is “investigating,” that mostly involves holding press conferences to announce investigations. Don’t hold your breath waiting for any actual results, unless you enjoy breathing in wildfire smoke.

Residents who lost their coverage were lovingly dumped onto the California FAIR Plan, which offers all the comforting protection of a damp paper towel.

Firefighting on a budget, literally! In a subplot worthy of an HBO comedy, L.A. Fire Chief Kristin Crowley was canned for not deploying firefighters before the winds turned the Palisades into a barbecue pit. Sure, she messed up, but she was also working under budget constraints so tight, she was probably pricing out pool noodles to use as fire hoses.

One firefighter was spotted rolling their eyes so hard they almost fell over. “It’s hard to save homes when we can’t afford gas to drive the trucks,” he said, before being shushed by a communications aide frantically waving a Newsom campaign sticker.

Meanwhile, during evacuations, there were fewer cops on duty than at a vegan drum circle. But rather than fix the shortage, the Governor and the Mayor have been busy scolding federal agents for daring to enforce immigration law, because priorities.

Solutions? Sorry, we’re fresh out! Governor Nuisance did concede that “more work is needed” on permits, insurance, infrastructure, firefighting, policing… basically everything. But don’t expect solutions, he had to catch a flight to South Carolina to test his presidential prospects. After all, if you can’t manage rebuilding Malibu, why not try running the entire United States? What could go wrong?

The Mayor’s whereabouts is a side quest. Mayor Karen Bass was also a no-show, citing an “emerging event,” which turned out to be her trying to tackle a federal immigration raid with the sheer power of moral outrage. According to eyewitnesses, she arrived on the scene yelling, “STOP!” in all caps, then left to draft a statement about “systemic injustice.”

In conclusion, as Californians wait for their permits, insurance, water pressure, and basic policing, Governor Nuisance and friends continue their victory laps, proving once again that when it comes to disasters, the only thing that moves slower than government help is a gubernatorial press conference.

Final Word: Sorry to tell you but this is not a parody. Welcome To California.