Oh No He Di'int, Yup Romney 'Messed With Texas'
Romney has visited Texas several times during the primary. Not to sell his vision for the country, but more as an ATM stop. Legal experts we contacted agreed this could be considered 'messin with Texas' in a court of law. Most are aware of the risks you run when messin with Sasquatch. So why do people continue to insist on 'messin with Texas'? And more to the point, why do politicians even entertain the thought. Ok he 'messed with Texas', big deal? Well it is a big deal, you can't 'mess with Texas' without messin with Louisiana.
Once you've messed with Louisiana you've messed with Mississippi and Alabama. Within the hour the the 'good-ol-boy' parts of Florida as well as Georgia, South Carolina and Arkansas, are fully aware of the messin. Now with Twitter and Facebook, by the end of the day even their cousins in North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Missouri and Oklahoma all know about the Texas Messin. Everyone below the Mason-Dixon line feels like they've been messed with, and that's not good, cause this is the 'base' of the Republican party.
More than the 'base' you might even call the South 'home freekin plate' of the republican party. The Vatican for Santoriums, Mecca for you Jihadis, and I can guarantee you, Reagan never referred to the South as 'an away game'. Ask James Carville, he'll tell you straight up, people in the South actually believe this 'conservative crap'. You can't just used-car-salesman your way through the South, the 'good-ol-boys' are watching your every step. If Romney tries to etch-a-sketch his way farther and farther to the left, it ain't gonna go over to well in the South.
Romney's going to have to find a way to better feign sincerity when dealing with the South. Now to his credit he's taking steps to do just that. Rumor has it that he has discreetly hired a key adviser for just this purpose. This cannot be independently confirmed, but an inside source, on the condition of anonymity, told an outside source about a conversation that went something like this:
Mitt: “How how long afterwards do you usually have to stay and cuddle, cause these conservatives are really starting to get on my nerves?”
Bill: “Did you tell them you love them?”
Mitt: “Well not exactly but I did call myself a 'severe conservative'”
Bill: “Wow, that's pretty good, try biting your bottom lip while waving your finger”
Mitt: “Got it, thanks, I'll call you back”
But many believe even these steps won't be enough. You can't just show up and say: “hey baby” and move on. Bill can, you can't. If you're playing defense with your own base your opponent is playing offense, and that's a losing hand.
Some of us are wondering why we're even playing this game. Why are we forcing ourselves to play defense on our own territory in states like Florida, North Carolina and Virginia? What's so damn important about Mitt Romney anyway? Some of my very close friends have even gone so far as to say: “screw the unwritten rule that the next one in line has to be the nominee.”
When your mom tried to force-feed your little brother Gerber's Lima Bean Jubilee, it didn't really work, did it? He just spit it out and then started turning his head from side-to-side, like a windshield wiper on high speed, kinda like keep away with his mouth. Well the 'good-ol-boys' ain't chockin down the Jubilee either, so stop trying to force it down all of our throats.